I Am Not That Girl

This post is a bit long, but I had to get all of these thought that have been swirling around in my brain down on paper. I don't think I have been able to express them adequately, but here they are all the same.

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Have you ever wanted to be "That Girl"? I have.

Not that I don't like who I am, I do. But I think you will know what I mean when I say that there are just those certain things I see about other girls that sometimes make me say to myself, "Man, I wish I were That Girl."

"I wish I were That Girl who's hair doesn't always tweak out on one side."

"I wish I were That Girl who converses effortlessly with everyone she meets."

"I wish I were That Girl who I see out running every day, rain or shine."

I hate running. Yet there is a part of me (usually buried very deep down) that wants to love it and wants to be a runner. For the past several years that itch to be a runner has surfaced from time to time. Every time I would see a girl out running I would sigh to myself and think, "I wish I could do that."

At the end of April this year the running itch hit me hard. I wanted to start running. I wanted to be That Girl. And so I began.

The first time I went "running" I only did two 3-minute jogs. By that afternoon I could barely walk. I was ready to throw in the towel. This was too hard, I couldn't do it. I wasn't cut out to be a runner because I just wasn't That Girl. However, with a lot of encouragement and support from others I didn't give up. And slowly it started to happen. To make a long story short, I now run 5k (3.1 miles) three mornings a week.

The other day as I was running it started to rain about half way through my run. I cursed the weather for a moment and then pushed on. After a few minutes of running through the rain, I realized triumphantly, "I am That Girl! I am That Girl who runs every day (well every day I have scheduled myself to run). I am That Girl who runs through the rain." I felt I had arrived!

I continued to run for several more minutes, pushed forward by my elation at finally becoming That Girl. Suddenly, and very powerfully, a thought popped into my head, "You are NOT That Girl." There was a brief mental pause as I tried to process this. Then the thought continued, "That Girl is not the one who has dedicated herself to running 3x a week, and then done it. That Girl is not the one who is currently running through the rain. THIS Girl is running through the rain and THIS girl has been disciplined and dedicated to her goal." It wasn't Her, it was ME! I was doing this!

Then my "Aha Moment" came. It isn't about becoming That Girl. It is about becoming what This Girl can be and doing what This Girl can do.

It was never my intention to really become That Girl - as I said before, I like myself and I like who I am - but I envied Her in her ability and dedication to run. When I first started my efforts to become a runner I always saw Her in my mind when I thought about my end goal. I wanted to be Her as far as the running was concerned.

But I am not Her, I am Me.

I have my own reasons for running, which may be different from Her's. I have my own running style and pace, which are different from Her's. This isn't about Her and what she can do and trying to do it too, it is about ME and what I can do.

I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean it in the sense that my goal to run shouldn't be about trying to be more like Her. It should be about trying to improve myself and being the best that I can personally be. And I feel like I am doing that.

I still hate running and have accepted the fact that I will probably never love it. That Girl may love running, but This Girl definitely does not. Yet I will keep running. Because for This Girl, running is about getting healthy, being disciplined, and doing something challenging. I may never run a marathon like That Girl, or take first place in a race like That Girl, but that is okay. I am running 5k three times a week, which is HUGE for me. I recognize that personal milestone and don't compare myself to Her successes. These are my successes and I can take pride in them.

I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I am doing with my running and what my running has done for me. It has helped me to realize that I have more strength (physically and mentally) than I thought I did. It has taught me that I can do hard things; things that I never thought would be possible for me. It has helped me to get one step closer to becoming who I want to be, which is still Me, but a better Me.

It has helped me to realize that I am not That Girl, and to be happy for it.